We’ve all been there, whether it’s because of sweat in our liner or we turned a crazy angle or something pushed our skin away from our socket, at some point, if you’re an active amputee like I know most of us are, our leg socket has lost suction. And after it happens, we’ve all quickly done that funny dance where we tiptoe on our good leg while pushing our stump back into the prosthesis only to have our leg let out a juicy fart that most kids under ten would brag about. I know I’ve gotten the attention of a stranger or two on more than one occasion due to my sudden air escape. And like a ten year old kid, I usually point at someone else and hold my nose! Ah yes, the life of an amputee. So in this week’s blog, I thought I would share with you the top five places my leg about fell off. So without further ado, my top five!
1. While getting back into shape after my amputation, I took a Karate and ground fighting class in the winter time. Accordingly, I usually wore long pants which hid the fact that I was an amputee. That is, until one night when I was violently slammed onto the mat which caused my leg to loose suction, turn 180 degrees and slide off about 4 inches. If you can only imagine the look on the parents faces after seeing such a sight!
2. While sitting on a bar stool at Hooters and surrounded by beautiful young ladies, I slid forward on my seat to adjust the flat spot on my butt when, without warning my leg broke suction and starting sliding towards the floor. No problem, nobody would know! So I thought. However the dreaded leg fart came right about the time our waitress showed up to take our order.
3. While mowing the grass with my riding mower, it was a hot summer day and my leg was sweating like crazy. No big deal, I was used to it. What I wasn’t used to was my leg completely coming off as I was in forward motion, thus leaving it behind on the lawn AS strangers were driving by slowly looking for building lots.
4. While at Disney World AND after standing in line for Space Mountain (that was two hours of my life that I’d never get back), after finally reaching the rocket capsule, which was much smaller than I remember ten years ago, I sat down in the back of the tiny and narrow seat only for the crazy angle of my prosthetic leg to cause a breach of suction. Within seconds from being locked-in and launched, I jump off the ride and back onto the platform where I quickly performed the most embarrassing fart dance I’ve ever done to date; in front of my biggest audience ever! Needless, to say, I waited on the other end for my family to return.
5. While walking through Universal Studios, my young son decided to walk across the path of my prosthetic leg thus causing me to trip and fall onto the hard pavement in front of an entire park full of people. No big really as I’ve tripped in worse places. But as my luck would be, when I violently slammed onto the ground, my one-way suction valve at the bottom of my leg became dislodge! I couldn’t even do a fart dance to get my leg to stay on! Leaving my family, I walked to the front of the park, boarded the ferry back to the hotel, navigated through the elevator and hallways and finally back to my hotel room, all while embarrassingly holding onto my socket with both hands so it would slide off.
So, that’s it folks. My top 5 most embarrassing places I almost lost my leg. But hey, like everything in life, we just got to laugh about it. Those are mine. What are yours?
Until another time, Ampcop 10-7