The Amputee Policeman

Real talk from an 18 year cop

Archive for the month “January, 2016”

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Oh so true! How many times have I said this in almost 17 years!

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No real reason for sharing this other than a nice-to-know…

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My Life! Especially after working the midnight shift on Friday and Saturday nights….

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To those chosen to stand in front of a business spinning a sign….

First of let, let me say I’m sorry that you were selected to be the one; the new guy who had to wear the stupid puke-green foam Statute of Liberty costume while spinning a sign around without purpose or dedication.  Yes, at first its embarassing, you standing by your lonesome on the side of the road, dangerously close to falling forward into traffic while people stare at you; however you try to have fun and craft some dance or movement that will make you an internet sensation after a passing motorist films your misery and posts it on social media. You are, after all, knocking down $7.50 an hour to do your job.  Yet, today when I saw you, I failed to find humor or entertainment in your pathetic attempt, instead I felt saddened for you and, with sympathy put myself in your shoes…. 

If I were you, I would think about how standing there sucked.  I’d be thinking about dinner, my future, my existance, how I had to pee, beer, the people I hate working with…  My idiot boss who made me do this…  I probably wouldn’t last 30 minutes before I went crazy, break the sign in half over my head, toss it into traffic and then take a huge bite out of my foam Lady Liberty mask and violently spit the piece out at the windshield of a passing car.  I was just flip out.  “Sorry boss, I ain’t wearing this thing any longer!”, I’d tell myself. YES, my standards are low and I drink cheap beer, but I know I’m better than this and I know I can be just as successful as anyone else! I can AND I will.  Then, without saying a word and without any expectation of picking up my last part-time paycheck, I pick my unders out of my butt one last time on the side of the road and I leave never to be seen again.  My fate called me away, my fate called me home….

The next time you see a sign spinner on the side of the road, think of their misery and remember me…. Remember my pain. Remember my enthusiasm.
Remember my downfalls and setbacks. 
Remember I drink crappy beer.
Remember it takes more than a strong bicep to aimlessly spin a sign as an occupation; it also takes a handful of  Prozac and Xanny bars.

Spin on internet sensation, spin on.

Police Vocab Lesson

Li•ar (n)- the man stuck in rush hour traffic beside me sitting in a beat up Toyota with the sign that reads, “Ask me how to make $5000 a month working from home.”

Police Mishaps

Ok, not really police related.  But when i got into my personal vehicle after getting out of my police car, i accidentally hit the car alarm button on my keys to the police car which was parked beside me.  Thinking i hit the alarm on my personal car, i hit the alarm button to turn it off, but actually turned it on!  Now with two car alarms blaring next to me, i played a sort of whack-a-mole for the next 30 seconds trying to get them both to turn off! 

Yes, this was done in a public lot while i was wearing my uniform!  Cool points and my man card was taken away for the day…

Cop Humor! True dat!

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Driving Tip of the Day

When you see another driver on the highway put on their turn signal, it doesn’t mean you are suppose to speed up!

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