The Amputee Policeman

Real talk from an 18 year cop

Archive for the category “Comedy”

Even after 18 years of working as a cop in the toughest parts of Louisville, I still see things that are unexplainable….

Or as the PC police would say, “They made a bad choice.”  Which doesn’t seem to make rape, murder, robbery or burglary feel any better…

To those chosen to stand in front of a business spinning a sign….

First of let, let me say I’m sorry that you were selected to be the one; the new guy who had to wear the stupid puke-green foam Statute of Liberty costume while spinning a sign around without purpose or dedication.  Yes, at first its embarassing, you standing by your lonesome on the side of the road, dangerously close to falling forward into traffic while people stare at you; however you try to have fun and craft some dance or movement that will make you an internet sensation after a passing motorist films your misery and posts it on social media. You are, after all, knocking down $7.50 an hour to do your job.  Yet, today when I saw you, I failed to find humor or entertainment in your pathetic attempt, instead I felt saddened for you and, with sympathy put myself in your shoes…. 

If I were you, I would think about how standing there sucked.  I’d be thinking about dinner, my future, my existance, how I had to pee, beer, the people I hate working with…  My idiot boss who made me do this…  I probably wouldn’t last 30 minutes before I went crazy, break the sign in half over my head, toss it into traffic and then take a huge bite out of my foam Lady Liberty mask and violently spit the piece out at the windshield of a passing car.  I was just flip out.  “Sorry boss, I ain’t wearing this thing any longer!”, I’d tell myself. YES, my standards are low and I drink cheap beer, but I know I’m better than this and I know I can be just as successful as anyone else! I can AND I will.  Then, without saying a word and without any expectation of picking up my last part-time paycheck, I pick my unders out of my butt one last time on the side of the road and I leave never to be seen again.  My fate called me away, my fate called me home….

The next time you see a sign spinner on the side of the road, think of their misery and remember me…. Remember my pain. Remember my enthusiasm.
Remember my downfalls and setbacks. 
Remember I drink crappy beer.
Remember it takes more than a strong bicep to aimlessly spin a sign as an occupation; it also takes a handful of  Prozac and Xanny bars.

Spin on internet sensation, spin on.

Cop Humor! True dat!

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The Dancing Amputee Cop

My stump dancing to a hip-hop song. It took over my whole body!!!! Because some times its OK to lose cool points! Or in this case, simple forfeit them all.

Daughter Steals Dad’s Fake Leg and Runs Over a Snowman with the Car Getting Away” on YouTube

I promise i didn’t say the F word although it really sounds like I did!

Damn! Still Missing!

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It’s nows officially been 3035 days since my leg got whacked off and even I, the great and powerful but, mostly misguided, One-legged Cop anxiously awaits it’s miraculous arrival.  I shall perform another snow angel dance.  Stay dry, keep your stump warm and keep laughing!!!

How you Treat your Toilet Paper will Tell Others About your Personality

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Do you fold or wad?  A scientist from Mt. Washington, Ky has determined that we can learn a lot about a person by how they prepare their toilet paper for the end use. This is what he learned after 300 hours of spying on people in public restrooms and, after being arrested, in jail.

The folder is a detailed oriented person who prefers to read historical documentaries while sitting on the porcelain thrown.  They usually will not talk to others in public toilets and will fight with all their might to conceal an audible fart.  They will shake your hand, but only after washing vigorously for 30 seconds with soap and water.  They drink dark beer and will only sneak peeks at the servers butt.

The wadder is a free soul who doesn’t know how to read well but can conquer any level of Angry Bird while pooping.  They actually enjoy a friendly conversation on the john and will challenge complete strangers to farting contest both in and out of the restroom.  The wadder will wipe his hand on his jeans before shaking someone’s hand and will cat – call at the server.  The only beer they drink is whatever a friend buys them or whatever will get them drunk the fastest.

Now you know!

The Amputee Cop Making One-Legged Snow Angels

 

Do You Know Who I Am?

The next time someone I stop for a traffic violation asks me if I know who they are, I’m going to waste the next 15 minutes taking guesses and trying to figure it out.

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