The Amputee Policeman

Real talk from an 18 year cop

Archive for the category “funny”

Cop Humor! True dat!

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What Happened to Me? What Happened to You?

I’ve met a lot of people from all kinds of places around the world, and the more people I meet the more I get asked about what happened to me?  And its not because of my mental state or some of the things I post on here that lead to that question!  That being said, I think most of us amps have been the victim of at least one rude stranger with absolutely no interpersonal skills or tact, that blindly appear out of no where and asks what happened?  And all depending on how well our prosthesis is fitting that day or how we feel about ourselves at that particular time, and how many people have already pointed and stared for the day, will dictate the answer some people get.  That being said, small children and really old people are fair game and I will never be an ass to either one of those sectors of society.  I figured, with kids, explaining what happened to me and talking to them about my accident and prosthesis could potentially lessen or even eliminate the stigma attached to being an amp.  And with old people?  I figured, with age their tact filters are all worn out and they are going to ask.  Here is an excerpt from my book tilted, The Serious Business of Laughing at Life about the three weeks after my accident when I had to live in a nursing home.

…As I learned to get out of bed and into my wheelchair with minimal help, I started traveling the halls of the nursing home meeting new faces.  The first day or so, most of the residence stared at me before gathering the courage to ask what I was doing there.  When they finally got around to it, they used little tact and came right out with a, “What are you doing here?”  or “What happened to you?”  I laughed every time because they never beat around the bush.  In their minds, time was of the essence, I guess.  Initially I answered their inquiry with the long version of my story, thinking I had a great tale to tell, but after one resident fell asleep during my story, I started telling them, “I had a wreck” And kept the explanation to a minimum.  Then that usually was enough for them before they got bored.  Besides, I knew they had hundreds of experiences I could only read about in history books, I wasn’t going to impress them with a motorcycle wreck.  The stories they had were about fighting the Germans during War World II and starving during the Great Depression, participating in the civil rights marches and watching Kennedy’s assassination.  Mine?  I hit a tree.  I couldn’t compete.

During my second week at Mount Holly, I took the opportunity to meet some of the residence and spent many hours listening to stories about grandchildren, their deceased spouses and the favorite pet they once had.  Usually they put their trembling hand on my arm as they spoke.  Many carried around tattered and faded pictures of their family, ready to show anyone who cared to take the time.  Like a pro-athlete from days past, they relived their life through their stories, just like it happened yesterday; sometimes they cried, most times they laughed.  But as I sat there, admittedly sometimes bored listening to their stories, I couldn’t help to wonder if their family still came to visit or if we spoke of people who long ago forgot about them as they lived out their final days stashed away in the confines of the nursing home.  They truly were part of a great generation.

Having that three week experience in the nursing home taught me that, sometimes people mean no harm in asking what happened.  The elderly especially.  Have I been rude back to people my own age who knew better?  Yes I have, and it was on one of those days I wasn’t feeling good about myself. Was it right, no.  Did I look like another bitter amputee, yes?  How you respond to that question will be up to you, but what I learned is, if you kind of have some idea of what you are going to say when the question arises, you’ll feel less stressed, help show the world that we are normal people too and the encounter will end quicker is you want it to.

Last, I know of two new members to our elite amp club over the last two weeks who are going through the same doubts most of us had in the beginning.  Keep them in our thoughts and stick together for each other.

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Also, my book is available on amazon.com on in hard copy and e-books and my funny amputee t-shirt store is up and running at cafepress.com/thefunnyamputee

Funny Pictures in the Hood

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Rings! $75.00

Because sometimes you’re force to operate with a tight advertising budget…  This has been another episode of, Funny Pictures in the Hood

She’ll Never Use MY Phone Again For a Selfie!

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World’s GREATEST PHOTO bomb! Hahahaha!

Daughter Steals Dad’s Fake Leg and Runs Over a Snowman with the Car Getting Away” on YouTube

I promise i didn’t say the F word although it really sounds like I did!

Something to Think About…

Check out @kevintreez’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/kevintreez/status/427788841685356544

Damn! Still Missing!

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It’s nows officially been 3035 days since my leg got whacked off and even I, the great and powerful but, mostly misguided, One-legged Cop anxiously awaits it’s miraculous arrival.  I shall perform another snow angel dance.  Stay dry, keep your stump warm and keep laughing!!!

How you Treat your Toilet Paper will Tell Others About your Personality

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Do you fold or wad?  A scientist from Mt. Washington, Ky has determined that we can learn a lot about a person by how they prepare their toilet paper for the end use. This is what he learned after 300 hours of spying on people in public restrooms and, after being arrested, in jail.

The folder is a detailed oriented person who prefers to read historical documentaries while sitting on the porcelain thrown.  They usually will not talk to others in public toilets and will fight with all their might to conceal an audible fart.  They will shake your hand, but only after washing vigorously for 30 seconds with soap and water.  They drink dark beer and will only sneak peeks at the servers butt.

The wadder is a free soul who doesn’t know how to read well but can conquer any level of Angry Bird while pooping.  They actually enjoy a friendly conversation on the john and will challenge complete strangers to farting contest both in and out of the restroom.  The wadder will wipe his hand on his jeans before shaking someone’s hand and will cat – call at the server.  The only beer they drink is whatever a friend buys them or whatever will get them drunk the fastest.

Now you know!

Even C-Legs Watch Football on Sundays!!!

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Go Denver and Seattle!!!!  I will get more of you Europeans interested in American football.

The Amputee Cop Making One-Legged Snow Angels

 

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