The Amputee Policeman

Real talk from an 18 year cop

Archive for the category “what the hell”

Or as the PC police would say, “They made a bad choice.”  Which doesn’t seem to make rape, murder, robbery or burglary feel any better…

To those chosen to stand in front of a business spinning a sign….

First of let, let me say I’m sorry that you were selected to be the one; the new guy who had to wear the stupid puke-green foam Statute of Liberty costume while spinning a sign around without purpose or dedication.  Yes, at first its embarassing, you standing by your lonesome on the side of the road, dangerously close to falling forward into traffic while people stare at you; however you try to have fun and craft some dance or movement that will make you an internet sensation after a passing motorist films your misery and posts it on social media. You are, after all, knocking down $7.50 an hour to do your job.  Yet, today when I saw you, I failed to find humor or entertainment in your pathetic attempt, instead I felt saddened for you and, with sympathy put myself in your shoes…. 

If I were you, I would think about how standing there sucked.  I’d be thinking about dinner, my future, my existance, how I had to pee, beer, the people I hate working with…  My idiot boss who made me do this…  I probably wouldn’t last 30 minutes before I went crazy, break the sign in half over my head, toss it into traffic and then take a huge bite out of my foam Lady Liberty mask and violently spit the piece out at the windshield of a passing car.  I was just flip out.  “Sorry boss, I ain’t wearing this thing any longer!”, I’d tell myself. YES, my standards are low and I drink cheap beer, but I know I’m better than this and I know I can be just as successful as anyone else! I can AND I will.  Then, without saying a word and without any expectation of picking up my last part-time paycheck, I pick my unders out of my butt one last time on the side of the road and I leave never to be seen again.  My fate called me away, my fate called me home….

The next time you see a sign spinner on the side of the road, think of their misery and remember me…. Remember my pain. Remember my enthusiasm.
Remember my downfalls and setbacks. 
Remember I drink crappy beer.
Remember it takes more than a strong bicep to aimlessly spin a sign as an occupation; it also takes a handful of  Prozac and Xanny bars.

Spin on internet sensation, spin on.

Cop Humor! True dat!


The answer to, “What the Hell is This About?”

Nothing like a hot selfie to start the new year off right!

Nothing like a hot selfie to start the new year off right!

In response to the above question that I get on a weekly basis, here is my answer to, “What the hell is this about?”

Well, I  am a cop…  A one-legged police sergeant cop to be exact.  Many moons ago, April 4, 2003, I smacked the hell out of tree with my body while riding a motorcycle and, as you could imagine, it did its fair share of damage, more specifically and among all the other damage, it cost me my right leg above the knee.  Talk about costing an arm or leg?  Sheeww!!  Anyway, that’s the price I paid to be alive today.  I was re-sworn back on the department in April 2006 after not walking for two and a half years and then went on to work as a co-pilot in our air unit and as a homicide detective even being featured on A&E’s hit show First48 Season 10 and 11.  (Look for the big, ugly, balding, limping, cant-do-nothing-right, one-legged detective that went to therapy for self-esteem issues.)

I even wrote a book about it entitled, “The Serious Business of Laughing at Life.”  because laughing at life and myself is the best entertainment around.  Follow my blog as I talk about my life, things related to being one-legged, others times about being cop, and when I just want to be a comedian or amateur photography.  Keep posted.

And now you know Europe, Americans ARE crazy!  Kevin

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